Fear, grace, and getting punched on the internet

I’m a little stuck for subjects lately. No, check that. I’m not stuck for topics, but I’m in a place where I’m feeling a little uncertain and honestly, fearful about writing about some things. I know fear is stupid, and I’ve written a lot about how it’s stupid, but really, my biggest fears in the world are (in order):

  1. Being alone (odd for an introvert, I know…but we’re not talking “alone for a few glorious hours,” we’re talking “being all by myself forEVER”)
  2. Being misunderstood

It’s that second part that sometimes paralyzes this blog. I read a lot of conversations on Facebook and elsewhere that begin with someone trying to initiate discussion about something that devolve into mud slinging, sarcasm, and the eventual invocation of Godwin’s Law.

I hate that.

I don’t understand why typing something on the internet means you can suspend all decency, kindness, and graciousness. I don’t understand why typing something on the internet means you can decide, based on one thing that a person believes, that they are no longer worthy of any small measure of respect.

I don’t understand why typing something on the internet means that you can completely devalue and publicly tear another person to shreds while hoping they’ll see your point of view.

That’s kind of like punching someone in the face and then expecting them to agree with you.

So I kind of am afraid of getting punched in the face. On the internet, that is.

I know that seems cowardly, but it has me struggling for what to write about. So tonight, I asked Ben what I should blog about, and he said: “I don’t know, being sick?”

So here we go:

The half marathon prep is at a bit of a standstill right now. A week prior to last Sunday we ran a fantastic 10 miles, something that I can really only describe as a small miracle. I’ve written before about being a kid with breathing problems, so the fact that I could run 10 miles at a stretch was completely insane.

Seriously, one of my favorite things about God is how he takes unlikely candidates and then helps them to do crazy things. Moses was anything but a great orator, and he became God’s voice to a nation. Granted, running a half marathon isn’t as epic as that, but it’s pretty cool.

And I know he’s going to take me the rest of the way – but right now, we’re both kind of sickish. For a few weeks now, my stomach has been crummier than usual, and Ben’s been struggling a bit too (in addition to the gnarly sunburn he got during his ultimate tournament last weekend). It hasn’t ever been incredibly bad, but just low level “meh” for far too long. My last run was a little over 2.5 miles, and I ended up doubled over in pain in the park.

The race is 2 weeks from tomorrow. I have 3.1 more miles to add to my total distance. Well, 2.1…I add the last mile on race day.

But hey, battles aren’t won easily.

I guess the same could be said for a lot of my mental/emotional thought processes right now, the ones that keep churning without being able to land on solid conclusions. You know, the ones that I’m afraid will get me internet-punched-in-the-face.

God is gracious, though. I’m thinking this is one of those times where he is leading me to a new place, and has to break some things down to get me there. At the same time, I know there are places where I’m just being stubborn.

But then, that’s not all that unusual.

Anyway, if you think about it, please pray for us to be physically healed, and please pray for me to be obedient, to go where God leads me.

If you have made it this far, thanks. You’re a trooper. I know this isn’t the best or most cohesive post that I’ve ever written, but that’s my life right now – not super cohesive or easy to follow.

Guess I’ll have to be okay with that for now.


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